just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
