There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
