dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
