everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
