My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
