So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
