I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You were trust falling into bushes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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