i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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