Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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