If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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