I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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