i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she peed on how many people?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
