that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just threw up on my dentist
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need to calm my uterus...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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