I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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