So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
