Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
