Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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