Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
