you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
