I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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