it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
