i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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