If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
