umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
