i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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