I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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