I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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