I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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