Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
