Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
