Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
