Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
