Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
