Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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