you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
