"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
