He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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