I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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