Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
