My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is it because I queefed?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
