so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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