I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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