I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
