Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
