Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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