Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
