Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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