finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
