When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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