I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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